"By the time you are 35, you will realize that you are no longer needed: who would date a middle class man in his thirties who has absolutely nothing to offer?!"
One of my last sessions with a therapist ended with this sentence. She hit me really hard with her words. Not because I believed her, but because of what and how she said it. She told me she was a pusher which is why she tried to offend me, kind of open my eyes, but I refused to believe her.
What can I tell about myself? I just turned 33. I have had 5 failed relationships, switched from one job to another trying to find something I really enjoy, wanted to write a book and had 15 pages of text finished, but then I ripped them apart and threw them into the garbage bin. I think this is where the list of my failures ends. Fine, I could have become somebody else if I really tried 10 years ago by pursuing my career as a writer, but I didn't believe in myself back then. Is it my biggest failure? Probably.
However, here I am now, writing for the 30 or 35 people who read my blog from time to time and actually enjoy it and support me which is more than enough.
At this point of my life I finally decided to look fear into its face and take a moment to think about what I really want and what makes me happy. For too long I have tried to help others with their problems, their dramas, their pain.
If I take a look back at my life... I really wasted my young years by doing things that any lost soul out there would do - I didn't save any money, I was partying, was too lazy to read the books I have bought.
Only a few years ago I realized that I have really missed a lot of things battling against depression, low self-esteem, alcoholism, loss of people who I have loved and cared about it. And it became kind of a circle, I could not get out of it. Every day would feel the same. Get up, work, go home or a bar, spend all your money there... And this has been happening for the last 10 years.
Why does it take so long to realize that you need a change? You live in your comfort zone and too scared to get out of there. I have to be honest, I was scared to death to make a change. Do you know what I did first? I bought a ticket to Saint Petersburg. A city with millions of people. In the end, it was a great experience, one of the best cities I have visited in my life. Then one by one, I started to visit cities in Finland, Sweden, Europe... It became easier and easier to travel alone, to enjoy yourself, expand your comfort zone.
Last year I felt broken (emotionally) again, so I took a chance at therapy. I went there once for help and support and I did not really get what I wanted. Instead, I felt more fucked up than before going there. I threw up at home after that session. It ended with a sentence that I won't be needed by the time I am 35 years old. Was it a wake up call?
It wasn't. It was a great opportunity to realize that I have been healed. Healed by myself, friends, support I have had. But mostly by the chances and risks I have taken to get where I am now. Emotionally and mentally I am happier than ever because I know that by the time I am 35 life will be even better and I will still be needed. I don't need a therapist to tell me that. Or anybody. I will be needed, because I need myself for myself. To expand my comfort zone even more. My strength. My passion for things I love the most.
Live. Love. Dare.
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