Haunted by the past.

Some say that the past defines who we really are. But then what is the point of creating the future if we already know who we are?

I think the past gives us options not to make the same mistakes again and do the right choices while we still have a chance. How do we know what is right and what is not? The answer is easy - follow your heart and trust your instincts. If you fuck up, then just get over it and try again. Because nothing comes for free. Only bills.

The past also provides us with experience which is good to use when you find yourself in the same kind of situations you did before. Some people are naive enough not to let experience guide you through the same choices all over again.

How many chances would you be able to give the same person before giving up? I used to think the answer was zero. If somebody stabs you in the back and you give them another chance, would they they do it again? I would think, yes, they would. Maybe it's a part of growing up, giving up your pride for somebody you truly care about and feeling strong enough to forgive them more than once. I don't know. All I know is that forgiveness is a necessary thing in our lives. Grudges eat you up. They destroy you. They take over and you become this cynical monster who feels numb all the time and doesn't let love to lead the way.

Many people have caused me pain in this life. First it was my father, then it was my mother, my sister, my friends, my boyfriends etc. I have hurt people, too. It took me 30 years to learn how to say "I am sorry" and to really mean it. You have to step on your pride, look that person into the eye and say it. It is the most amazing feeling in the world. It's their choice to forgive you or to not forgive. All you have to do is to apologize and really mean it. And also suffer the consequences if there are any.

You need to start from yourself. You have to forgive yourself first. For hurting other people and for letting over people hurt you. The hardest thing for me was to forgive my father. He was an abusive drinker. As a kid I would not understand why he did that and why would he hit someone he cared about. Now I understand that he was unhappy with his life. That's why he started drinking. He was abusive because his father used to hit him, too. It took me many years of processing this and finally I could just let it go. He's just a very unhappy lost human being and I can't be angry at him.

You always find it hard to forgive your ex-lovers, especially if they lied to you or cheated on you. If you want to, you can hold the grudge for the rest of your life. And you don't have to forgive anybody, but I highly recommend you do it just for your own good. I have made a lot of wrong choices with the people I have dated. They hurt me with their lies, deceiving, insecurity and sometimes even violence. I was very unhappy with myself, mostly, after the break ups. I used to think that there was something wrong with me. After all I have had 7 failed relationships. I have made wrong choices, the compatibility was just not there and when you're young, you can't see it. You think it's all your fault or the other person's fault. It's always somebody's fault, but usually it's both.

Leave the past in the past. Enjoy the present. And dream of the future. Forgive and forget.

JSB

PILOT.

Ever since I was a little boy I had two hobbies: dancing and writing. Dancing is something I still enjoy once in a while, but writing is something what helps to see the inner side of things, inner side of me, inner side of mostly anything.

I got the idea of this blog from the psychologist I've been seeing. She told me that there were many different kinds of therapies, but writing was something that helped a lot of people to come out of their safety area and express themselves in the way they have never expressed themselves before.

The very first question I asked myself was: am I a good writer? What do I want to achieve with my blog? What do I want to write about?

After giving it a few thoughts I've decided to just start writing. It came out naturally. In just a few nights I wrote 15 pages of text about different experiences and people I have met during this short period of time we all call life.

Of course, it wasn't an easy decision to make. To put myself on a pedestal just like that. But, in the end, I saw it as a chance to experience a different form of therapy, which is writing a story about my life.

What do I want to achieve? I want to inspire people. I want to make people realize that life is a really fragile thing and all the experiences just make you stronger. That we are strong individuals. We can be humble. But we are taught to survive. We are hungry for a better life. We tend to be sad or melancholic, even depressive, but we survive. We dust ourselves off and we try again. We try. We try. And we try. Until we get what we want and we get us where we want to be.

You might be thinking, but what about all these people who don't know what to do with their lives? What about the bullied ones? What about the weak ones? What about the ones who have lost everything? I hope that you are able to find the answers at least in one of my stories which is why I would like to share them with you, despise the fact how personal they are.

I hope you enjoy the journey of life with me.

Best regards,

JSB