A Russian boy in Helsinki.

Last year I decided to see a psychologist just for the sake of it. As we were going through the changes that I went through during my short life, she wanted to discuss about the time when I moved to Finland.

When I was 15 years old, I didn't want to move abroad. I wasn't ready to start all over, from scratch. Why? The main reason is because Finnish language is fucking difficult. It took me five years to start pronouncing it properly, keep up with the social life, work on my self-esteem and just enjoy the existence of me. Nobody asked me if I wanted to move abroad while I was trying to establish myself in my home town.

I worked hard. I studied every single day. I would go to the dancing classes, because my dream was to become a professional dancer. And all of that ended. I was ripped off from the environment that I got used to and put into something that I found really hard to co-exist with. All of a sudden I had to study harder, we could not afford the dancing classes anymore... But it just makes you either stronger or you become a fuck up. You have a choice.

Do I need to mention all the hate that we got when we moved here? We were, after all, Ingrian Finns, who didn't speak proper Finnish, but we were a part of the community, still we got all the hate because we didn't fit in. People judge each other just because of how they look or if they seem different. I can't stress this too much... It was Hell for us for the first few years. Was I happy to be here? Nobody asked me. They just packed my stuff and ripped me off from my comfort zone.

My grandmother told us we couldn't or shouldn't talk in the bus or public places, unless it's Finnish because people would stare at us or make nasty comments about how we came to their country and took their jobs and money and we should go fuck ourselves. Can you imagine what it's like for a kid when you can't act yourself? You feel like you're suffocating and you start to dislike everything and everyone around you.

At school it was a nightmare. I would get into the fights and arguments and people would call me names. I couldn't concentrate on studying, all I was thinking about is if I could skip school and stay home.

From a high achiever I went down hill. Day by day I would go lower and lower because I didn't know how to fit in here. The thing is, you need right people by your side. You need these people who will tell you that you can do it. You can manage. And not just as a kid or a teenager, any period of your life. Lucky me, I found these people, friends, who helped me, carried me through all the shit and disrespect towards the Russian people and culture 

How does it feel now? This country is my home now, but I know that some people will never accept us here and in my heart I will never accept that I am here. I wouldn't call myself a patriot because I have never been one.

Would I move back to Russia? No. I live here, I have a job, I have friends, family - all of that.

People should be more supportive of foreigners who move abroad to find a new life and help them to achieve things, not let them down or laugh at the pronunciation even if it's not correct. Not all people come here for social support. Some people, like me, really want to start all over and some of us have to start all over several times in life for one reason or another.