Wake up.

Most people I know do not like waking up too early or do not like waking up in general. I used to love waking up. During last months waking up has been actually quite painful. I do not know if it is because of never-ending hang overs, when you wake up and first thing you are thinking about is your location and then checking your phone in case you have done something stupid or irresponsible. After realizing that you do not have his phone number anymore and there is no way you would be sober enough to type a text that would make sense on Facebook Messenger, you get up from your bed and make a cup of tea. Then comes that feeling. The feeling that I call emptiness. All cried out, you just have no power or will to do it anymore. It starts to feel like one of those scenes from the movie "The Holiday" when a woman played by Cameron Diaz just cannot cry. She tries and tries, but she can't.

Then I just wander around the apartment in my clothes that I have not washed for weeks and stopped caring about it after I could not separate it from the rotten food in the fridge. After the tea the thoughts keep on building up in your head. What is he doing right now? Who is he with? Does he have somebody new? Why did this happen? You try to calm yourself down and convince yourself that it is for the best if I do not think too much about it. You pick up your phone and call a friend. A friend, who you know for sure, has gone through the same thing and enjoys drinking and having fun just because there is some kind of emptiness inside, a hole in your heart that you cannot fulfill with anything.

Sometimes I think that I just should go out and pick up the first random person I can find in a club. The result would be too obvious - I would end up hating myself even more. And there will be more crying. More drinking. More other shit that you would have to deal with earlier or sooner.

Some people do not take break ups seriously. They just move on. From one to another. It makes me wonder sometimes if these people have a heart or a soul? Because they talk about their (sexual) partners like they are disposable things. I would not want to feel that way about anybody or that anybody would feel that way about me.

Bottom line is - break ups suck. They suck out all the energy you have, even though, in most cases, it is for the best. You realize that in your head, but not in your heart.

Every single morning I wake up and I stare at my phone waiting for something that is never going to happen. A call. A message. I have to pass this stage. I keep on asking myself, how to do it? And I have to realize that it is for the best. Sometimes break ups are for the best. Whatever you do is for the best. If not for the best, to protect yourself from pain and make peace with yourself, trying to convince yourself that there is something different, better and much less complicated that what it was.

It's time to wake up. WAKE UP. WAKE UP!

The case of imperfection.

Perfection itself is imperfection.
                                                       Vladimir Horowitz



Family dinners. I really hate those.

I used to love family dinners. I was really good in school and my parents would show my school papers to the rest of the family and tell them how good of a student I am and how I am going to be super rich with a beautiful wife, a big house and an expensive car. Thank you for all the pressure, mum and dad.

I never got those things and I do not need them. There came a point when I realized that I did not have to try to impress anybody anymore. I know I am only 32 and I can get those things, but I just do not need them right now and I do not know if I am ever going to.

For the last 10 years I have been asked the same questions all over and over again: if I am ever going to get married, find a better job, do something useful with my life. There are times when I just want to stand up, tell everyone to go fuck themselves and stop telling me what to do, but this is not how I was raised. I listen to their "helpful" comments about my life while thinking about which CD I should buy next and pretend that I am totally agree with their opinions.

At those dinners I could easily see people envy me, because I can do things that they cannot do. I can travel whenever and wherever I can, I am FREE. Basically, I can do whatever I want and whenever I want. I just do not feel the pressure of doing something all the time. Most of my relatives are really short-sighted and judgmental which is something I will never understand. But hey, USSR has done its job pretty well. They have boundaries, they are racists, they do not like anything extraordinary.

This was when I stopped enjoying those dinners. You should feel safe and confident around your family. Instead, you feel like you are in a cage, cannot breathe, want to finish your dinner and just get out as fast as you can.

Why do we have to be perfect around somebody we love and care about? Why cannot we show our weakness once in a while to them? Why cannot we just say that maybe we will not get married or have children or buy a house or an expensive car or other fancy things because it is not what makes us happy in this life. They failed at achieving those things and they try to push you to achieve those things to make them happy.

Nobody's perfect.