Middle age crisis?!

"By the time you are 35, you will realize that you are no longer needed: who would date a middle class man in his thirties who has absolutely nothing to offer?!"

One of my last sessions with a therapist ended with this sentence. She hit me really hard with her words. Not because I believed her, but because of what and how she said it. She told me she was a pusher which is why she tried to offend me, kind of open my eyes, but I refused to believe her.

What can I tell about myself? I just turned 33. I have had 5 failed relationships, switched from one job to another trying to find something I really enjoy, wanted to write a book and had 15 pages of text finished, but then I ripped them apart and threw them into the garbage bin. I think this is where the list of my failures ends. Fine, I could have become somebody else if I really tried 10 years ago by pursuing my career as a writer, but I didn't believe in myself back then. Is it my biggest failure? Probably.

However, here I am now, writing for the 30 or 35 people who read my blog from time to time and actually enjoy it and support me which is more than enough.

At this point of my life I finally decided to look fear into its face and take a moment to think about what I really want and what makes me happy. For too long I have tried to help others with their problems, their dramas, their pain.

If I take a look back at my life... I really wasted my young years by doing things that any lost soul out there would do - I didn't save any money, I was partying, was too lazy to read the books I have bought.

Only a few years ago I realized that I have really missed a lot of things battling against depression, low self-esteem, alcoholism, loss of people who I have loved and cared about it. And it became kind of a circle, I could not get out of it. Every day would feel the same. Get up, work, go home or a bar, spend all your money there... And this has been happening for the last 10 years.

Why does it take so long to realize that you need a change? You live in your comfort zone and too scared to get out of there. I have to be honest, I was scared to death to make a change. Do you know what I did first? I bought a ticket to Saint Petersburg. A city with millions of people. In the end, it was a great experience, one of the best cities I have visited in my life. Then one by one, I started to visit cities in Finland, Sweden, Europe... It became easier and easier to travel alone, to enjoy yourself, expand your comfort zone.

Last year I felt broken (emotionally) again, so I took a chance at therapy. I went there once for help and support and I did not really get what I wanted. Instead, I felt more fucked up than before going there. I threw up at home after that session. It ended with a sentence that I won't be needed by the time I am 35 years old. Was it a wake up call?

It wasn't. It was a great opportunity to realize that I have been healed. Healed by myself, friends, support I have had. But mostly by the chances and risks I have taken to get where I am now. Emotionally and mentally I am happier than ever because I know that by the time I am 35 life will be even better and I will still be needed. I don't need a therapist to tell me that. Or anybody. I will be needed, because I need myself for myself. To expand my comfort zone even more. My strength. My passion for things I love the most.

Live. Love. Dare.

10 reasons to become a waiter.

1. If you think you are ugly or unattractive or don't have manners, don't worry, within weeks you will have another point of view.

2. Same goes for stupidity. Basically, anything. There will be times you might be feeling a bit insecure or sad, but don't worry and remember, there are no stupid questions, only stupid people.


3. You will get free alcohol even when you don't want to. Trust me. I have been there.


4. The kitchen is like a church for you. Chefs are like priests, basically. You can go behind closed doors and tell them anything. They will laugh with you or... at you. You can decide for yourself.

5. The salary is almost as good as tips. So why bother getting tips at all? Sure, it's an extra, but why sweat your ass around, when you are getting paid anyway.


6. The diet. You will get fit in no time simply because there is no time to eat. Only drink. Drinking is good, remember that.


7. Gossip. You do not need Hollywood TV anymore or Facebook news feed at all. Imagine of all the gossip you will hear from your colleagues or about colleagues. Especially about the colleagues who you are secretly planning to stab after the shift.


8. If you are working for a chain of restaurants, you might or will learn that your cooking ain't that bad after all. Even if one minute noodles is all you can cook.


9. You don't have a degree in psychology? No problem. Some if not most of the customers think else wise. They will open up about their love life or how many drug prescriptions they have etc. And it is included in the bill, do not hesitate to mention that.


10. You thought you knew it all? Did you know there is an avocado allergy? Vegans in a steak place? People who do not like food at all?! Do not worry, you will learn it by heart in no time... or kill someone.


If these 10 reasons do not motivate you to become a waiter, then I do not know what will, honestly..?! ;)

20 years of Spice.

"The light that burns twice as bright burns half as long, and you have burned so very very brightly"

First of all, this is a writing of a fan, but also a person who is trying to look at things unbiased since I am not 16 anymore. Those days are long gone.

8th of July marks the 20th anniversary of the first Spice Girls single Wannabe. 5 ordinary girls dominated the world within months. They are not best singers, best dancers or best actresses, but they had a message and chemistry and maybe that is why they became this huge all around the world.

I am not going to bore you with the facts and they don't really matter in this case, but 17 number ones in UK (9 as a group and 8 solo), 55 million records sold around the world - impressive for 5 ordinary girls, eh?

Every child has some kind of an idol. It can be their parents, a friend, an actor/actress, a singer etc. I never really wanted to have an idol, but these girls found their way into my heart and it seems that they are going to remain there forever even though the band hasn't been active for nearly 4 years since their last performance at the Olympics in 2012.

As a 14 year-old teenager I didn't really care for how deep their lyrics were or if they were doing it for fame and money, but as unbiased as one can be, I loved their energy, their music videos, their attitude and how down to earth they were.

There was so much negativity around them, but they just didn't care. They kept on doing what they wanted to do. And that was what inspired me the most, because I kept on going to the dancing classes, although I was the only boy in the class who was a dancer, other boys would practice football and other sports.

However, it took a year for them to win me over. It was summer of 1997 when I was a music video for Who do you think you are and that song won me over.

I love them the most for their music and energy. They have inspired me and helped me through the shittiest days in my life, when I thought I just couldn't make it through - I would put Spice up your life on and jam to it in my room and just forget about everything. It was like a romance that I thought would last forever, but it didn't.

I think the saddest thing for any child is when you realize that your childhood is over. Geri left the band in May 1998 and she totally broke my heart! I wasn't the only one, I am sure. Then she admitted she had bulimia. Melanie C admitted she had an eating disorder and mental illness because of the schedule they had. Victoria was paranoiac about everything. Melanie B had problems with her marriage. I think Emma was the only happy one or at least she didn't go public about her problems.

Spice Girls' legacy lives on. Their music can be heard in commercials, they are mentioned in movies, TV shows, singers admire them, including Adele, who keeps on mentioning them almost in every interview, their slogans are being used in books and newspapers, press keeps on writing about the reunions and other rumors.

I find it really fascinating! 5 girls who were not liked by the press and "serious" magazines still grab attention and are being mentioned every now and then and people still care to make a comment and feedback are mostly positive, which is very interesting.

Personally, I just want to thank the girls for their music and energy and how they helped me through good and bad times with their music, attitude and helped me to build up a character when it was really needed. Thank you for making it last for as long as it could last even though it could have been longer, but it wasn't meant to be I salute you!

Viva forever! Friendship never ends. Girl power!

Zig ah zig ah!

Love is love.

Tomorrow is the first day of the Helsinki Pride. Events will take place around the city and you may find the whole list of them on their website. It is also the first time ever I have decided to do something useful during the Pride week besides hiding and being scared and not accepting who I actually am.

As a protest to any kind of intolerance in the world, but still sticking to the Pride theme, I am going to post a Russian music video per day that has a gay theme in it and is still being loved by millions of Russians and being played on video channels despite the fact that any kind of gay propaganda was banned by the Russian law several years ago. It annoys the shit out of me how two faced Russian show business actually is and people are aware that more than a half of Russian male pop singers are in the closet (or take it up the arse just to remain relevant) and most likely will stay there for the rest of their lives.

No laws, no religion, no bitterness, nothing and nobody can prevent a thing called love. If one really cares who people sleep with and fall in love with, they should really look in the mirror and think why it actually bothers them.

I will start with the video that was a big hit for the band Ruki Vverh! in 2001 and ironically it is the first video that comes up when you Google the band. The script/story of the video was later adopted by a Swedish band Basic Element for their single To you in 2007. Go figure...

Enjoy! It's a really nice song though, brings back so many memories.

Wake up.

Most people I know do not like waking up too early or do not like waking up in general. I used to love waking up. During last months waking up has been actually quite painful. I do not know if it is because of never-ending hang overs, when you wake up and first thing you are thinking about is your location and then checking your phone in case you have done something stupid or irresponsible. After realizing that you do not have his phone number anymore and there is no way you would be sober enough to type a text that would make sense on Facebook Messenger, you get up from your bed and make a cup of tea. Then comes that feeling. The feeling that I call emptiness. All cried out, you just have no power or will to do it anymore. It starts to feel like one of those scenes from the movie "The Holiday" when a woman played by Cameron Diaz just cannot cry. She tries and tries, but she can't.

Then I just wander around the apartment in my clothes that I have not washed for weeks and stopped caring about it after I could not separate it from the rotten food in the fridge. After the tea the thoughts keep on building up in your head. What is he doing right now? Who is he with? Does he have somebody new? Why did this happen? You try to calm yourself down and convince yourself that it is for the best if I do not think too much about it. You pick up your phone and call a friend. A friend, who you know for sure, has gone through the same thing and enjoys drinking and having fun just because there is some kind of emptiness inside, a hole in your heart that you cannot fulfill with anything.

Sometimes I think that I just should go out and pick up the first random person I can find in a club. The result would be too obvious - I would end up hating myself even more. And there will be more crying. More drinking. More other shit that you would have to deal with earlier or sooner.

Some people do not take break ups seriously. They just move on. From one to another. It makes me wonder sometimes if these people have a heart or a soul? Because they talk about their (sexual) partners like they are disposable things. I would not want to feel that way about anybody or that anybody would feel that way about me.

Bottom line is - break ups suck. They suck out all the energy you have, even though, in most cases, it is for the best. You realize that in your head, but not in your heart.

Every single morning I wake up and I stare at my phone waiting for something that is never going to happen. A call. A message. I have to pass this stage. I keep on asking myself, how to do it? And I have to realize that it is for the best. Sometimes break ups are for the best. Whatever you do is for the best. If not for the best, to protect yourself from pain and make peace with yourself, trying to convince yourself that there is something different, better and much less complicated that what it was.

It's time to wake up. WAKE UP. WAKE UP!

The case of imperfection.

Perfection itself is imperfection.
                                                       Vladimir Horowitz



Family dinners. I really hate those.

I used to love family dinners. I was really good in school and my parents would show my school papers to the rest of the family and tell them how good of a student I am and how I am going to be super rich with a beautiful wife, a big house and an expensive car. Thank you for all the pressure, mum and dad.

I never got those things and I do not need them. There came a point when I realized that I did not have to try to impress anybody anymore. I know I am only 32 and I can get those things, but I just do not need them right now and I do not know if I am ever going to.

For the last 10 years I have been asked the same questions all over and over again: if I am ever going to get married, find a better job, do something useful with my life. There are times when I just want to stand up, tell everyone to go fuck themselves and stop telling me what to do, but this is not how I was raised. I listen to their "helpful" comments about my life while thinking about which CD I should buy next and pretend that I am totally agree with their opinions.

At those dinners I could easily see people envy me, because I can do things that they cannot do. I can travel whenever and wherever I can, I am FREE. Basically, I can do whatever I want and whenever I want. I just do not feel the pressure of doing something all the time. Most of my relatives are really short-sighted and judgmental which is something I will never understand. But hey, USSR has done its job pretty well. They have boundaries, they are racists, they do not like anything extraordinary.

This was when I stopped enjoying those dinners. You should feel safe and confident around your family. Instead, you feel like you are in a cage, cannot breathe, want to finish your dinner and just get out as fast as you can.

Why do we have to be perfect around somebody we love and care about? Why cannot we show our weakness once in a while to them? Why cannot we just say that maybe we will not get married or have children or buy a house or an expensive car or other fancy things because it is not what makes us happy in this life. They failed at achieving those things and they try to push you to achieve those things to make them happy.

Nobody's perfect.

Challenge accepted.

Every now and then we get a reminder that we are all just human beings: weak, fragile, humble and not immortal. Usually it happens to people who take things for granted or simply don't have the time to take a moment to appreciate things that they have in life, because most of the time good things in life are free and come to you, if you just let them come to you.

There are weak and there are strong people. But, in the end, people handle things differently. There are people who don't have food on the plate or water to drink and they are still thankful to be alive. Then there are people who can't get a new iPhone as a Christmas gift and they think their life is over. It's all proportional in this world, unfortunately. And for as long as there is going to be two kinds of people, the world will be an insane and unsafe place filled with misery and unhappiness.

Some people are lucky and they don't get challenged by life almost never. Then there are those who get challenges on a daily basis. I think it's all about the attitude. Maybe a bit of luck is involved, but are people really lucky or do they create their own luck? Once again, it's all about choices, I say. It's a chain reaction.

You make wrong choices. You make right choices. Sometimes you make too many wrong choices, but this is how you learn to appreciate right choices. If you would only make right choices, you would learn nothing in this life, because there is no such thing as "only right choices". You need to make the wrong choices to become a person who you are meant to be. You will meet wrong people, you will make wrong choices in your career, school, area where you live etc. Yes, you will. Unless you want to live in a box and never come out of it.

How do I do it? Lately I really like my box. I hide in it every now and then and when I feel like going out of it, I get out, but usually I get back faster than when I get out. People find comfort in alcohol, sports. drugs, partying, traveling etc. I find comfort in work. When something is wrong, I tend to work usually 170-200 hours a month with only a few days off to clean the apartment and shave my mustache. When you start to get a feeling that you're losing it, you just have to do something about it. Work keeps me going. Because when things get tough (in your head most of the time anyway), you are scared to stop and look around. This is when you start to think that things should or could be different, if I would have done this and this then and then. And then you start to make this chain of thoughts and you get that feeling that you wasted a decade of your life on useless things. But then you calm down, you try to tell yourself that we always learn from things and people, even though some of them are not there for you anymore, but this is how life works. Just accept it and wait for the sun to shine once again.

Delete. Remove. Unfollow. Unfriend.

About 8 years ago our lives changed. Social media took its first try to take over our real life, smart phones came along and most people forgot what the phone is actually for.

I am an old-fashioned person. I love talking on the phone and I could do it for hours, but a lot of people prefer messengers, texts or just memes (are you still following?).

I am registered on two social services, but that is to keep in touch with people who live abroad and have no possibility to call or text because it's too expensive. The other one I keep for connecting with people through chat or to keep up with the events and communities.

Ever since social media got into our lives, things have changed. It's as easy to become a part of somebody's everyday life as to delete, remove, unfollow (is that even a word?) or unfriend them. Some people hold grudges because of somebody erasing them from their lives as if they were best friends for life. Then again there are people who use social media to stalk other people because they don't have a life of their own. I could like every single post and share them with my friends, but what is the point in this? I could share my breakfast and dinner pictures, but what for?

I try to use social media for sharing music and funny things to spread positive vibes and make fun of myself.

The other day I noticed that a friend of mine who I have known for nearly a decade disappeared from my news feed because usually he posts every day something. And then I noticed that I am no longer his "friend". We don't live in the same city and we kept in touch from time to time through the messenger, but I suppose this was a sign that he doesn't need me to be a part of his life anymore.

I mean, what am I supposed to do? It is just a social media provider, who cares, right? To be honest, I felt bad for a moment, but I don't want to take things personally, because we add and remove people all the time, but however, if they are important to us, we have memories and they will always remain in our hearts. I am sure some of you have added and removed, been added and removed by someone important, but since when this has become an issue? Why not pick up the phone and call your friends, relatives, the loved once? For a moment I thought about calling him, but I don't think it's necessary. It was his choice to leave me out of his online life, so if he ever needs me, he can pick up the phone or send me a text. I am not going to be bothered, because I don't want to make a big deal out of it. I just hope that one day I will hear from him, that he's alright and happy.

People make a really big fuzz about social media anyway. You can always connect or disconnect with a person, also reconnect, but the truth is, social media friendship is not real. It's bullshit. Keep the real friendships alive.

A Russian boy in Helsinki.

Last year I decided to see a psychologist just for the sake of it. As we were going through the changes that I went through during my short life, she wanted to discuss about the time when I moved to Finland.

When I was 15 years old, I didn't want to move abroad. I wasn't ready to start all over, from scratch. Why? The main reason is because Finnish language is fucking difficult. It took me five years to start pronouncing it properly, keep up with the social life, work on my self-esteem and just enjoy the existence of me. Nobody asked me if I wanted to move abroad while I was trying to establish myself in my home town.

I worked hard. I studied every single day. I would go to the dancing classes, because my dream was to become a professional dancer. And all of that ended. I was ripped off from the environment that I got used to and put into something that I found really hard to co-exist with. All of a sudden I had to study harder, we could not afford the dancing classes anymore... But it just makes you either stronger or you become a fuck up. You have a choice.

Do I need to mention all the hate that we got when we moved here? We were, after all, Ingrian Finns, who didn't speak proper Finnish, but we were a part of the community, still we got all the hate because we didn't fit in. People judge each other just because of how they look or if they seem different. I can't stress this too much... It was Hell for us for the first few years. Was I happy to be here? Nobody asked me. They just packed my stuff and ripped me off from my comfort zone.

My grandmother told us we couldn't or shouldn't talk in the bus or public places, unless it's Finnish because people would stare at us or make nasty comments about how we came to their country and took their jobs and money and we should go fuck ourselves. Can you imagine what it's like for a kid when you can't act yourself? You feel like you're suffocating and you start to dislike everything and everyone around you.

At school it was a nightmare. I would get into the fights and arguments and people would call me names. I couldn't concentrate on studying, all I was thinking about is if I could skip school and stay home.

From a high achiever I went down hill. Day by day I would go lower and lower because I didn't know how to fit in here. The thing is, you need right people by your side. You need these people who will tell you that you can do it. You can manage. And not just as a kid or a teenager, any period of your life. Lucky me, I found these people, friends, who helped me, carried me through all the shit and disrespect towards the Russian people and culture 

How does it feel now? This country is my home now, but I know that some people will never accept us here and in my heart I will never accept that I am here. I wouldn't call myself a patriot because I have never been one.

Would I move back to Russia? No. I live here, I have a job, I have friends, family - all of that.

People should be more supportive of foreigners who move abroad to find a new life and help them to achieve things, not let them down or laugh at the pronunciation even if it's not correct. Not all people come here for social support. Some people, like me, really want to start all over and some of us have to start all over several times in life for one reason or another.

Трезвенники, трезвенники вокруг!

Многие люди в этой жизни занимаются самообманом. В Финляндии это обычно происходит в январе. У финнов этакая традиция не пить весь январь. Это какая же должна быть сила воли!

Задумка, конечно, может показаться многим полезной как для кошелька, так и для организма. Организм очищается от алкоголя и шлаков за 3 недели (если верить диетологам), если питаться правильно. И тело отдыхает, и голова не болит. Но есть ли в этом смысл, если люди ждут не дождутся 1 февраля, чтобы опять напиться до поросячего визга и опять будут с гордостью, как патриоты, дожидаться первого января, чтобы опять заявить во всех социальных сетях и на весь мир, что они не будут пить в январе??

Я испробывал данный метод на себе. Зачем? Просто так. Социальный эксперимент. Заметил ли я какие-то перемены в организме или удалось ли мне увеличить бюджет на будущий год? Нет. Тот же стакан сока или чашка чая стоит почти столько же сколько и кружка пива во многих местах (в центре города). Деньги всё равно ушли в итоге на что-то другое, понятия не имею, на что. Они, вообще, часто уходят непонятно на что.

Конечно, находиться в компании подвыпивших людей порой бывает не очень интересно, особенно, если они напиваются до поросячего визга, то просто начинают раздрожать. Да так всегда, хоть немного выделяешься из толпы или не вливаешься в компанию, то может получиться так, что или ты раздрожаешь или тебя раздрожают.

Данный способ может быть полезен для алкоголиков, которые решили завязать, но это тоже этакий самообман, согласны?!

Больше всего в январе "страдают" рестораны и бары - теряют большие деньги из-за того, что никто не пьёт, потому что основная прибыль ресторанов идёт за счёт продажи алкоголя, т.к в Финляндии он дороже, где либо ещё в Европе. Первая неделя января очень прибыльная, благодаря русским туристам, которых в последнее время становится меньше и меньше, но пока ездят и по ресторанам ходят тоже, а вот последние 3 недели января - это огромные потери и затраты для ресторанов и баров. Постоянные клиенты не спасут, т.к они тоже часто поддаются трендам.

Есть ли во всём этом смысл - решать вам, дорогие мои. Я не вижу в этом смысла. Как не вижу смысла в диетах, обезжиренных продуктах, веганстве и так далее. Всё должно быть у человека пропорционально. Нельзя просто вот так взять и отказать себе в чём-то. Хочется - делай, бери, ешь, пей. Не хочется - не надо. Но насильно заставлять себя....

Когда тебе 32. Кхммм... Чтооооооооо???? Мне 32??????

Если быть с Вами честным до конца, то не думал, что к своим 32 годам я буду на свободе. Всмысле? - подумали Вы. Объясняю. Думал, что буду уже давно в психушке или в какой-нибудь лечебнице, потому что я считаю, что отношусь к тем людям, у которых огромное воображение и порой разговаривают сами с собой, не замечая этого. Иногда и с кошкой получаются отличные беседы, ещё бы знать, какого мнения моя кошка по этому поводу.

Хочу поделиться с Вами правилами, которые, как я считаю, важны для выживания в этом мире.

Извиняюсь за ошибки в тексте, писал быстро, начальница дышала в затылок!

1. Не нужно учиться на 5, чтобы стать в жизни кем-то/успешным.

С самого детства нам втирают, что нужно быть отличником с золотой медалью и 3 высшими образованиями. Я считаю, что это просто полный бред. Хоть я и учился на 4 и 5 до поры до времени, от этих оценок моя жизнь не изменилась (только, когда переводили из 4 в 5 класс, тогда смотрели на оценки.) Знания химии, физики или биология мне особо в этой жизни не были нужны (биология иногда, только, когда я занимаюсь чем-то неприличным, знания какие-то нужны, если вы понимаете, о чём я). Вообщем, чтобы попасть хоть на какую-то работу за свои 32 года, у меня ни разу не просили атестат или как я учился в школе.

Самое важное, как выяснилось, это опыт, чёрт его побери. Именно, опыт. Без него тебя не возьмут ни на одну работу, да не на работу, даже на собеседование тебе не удастся попасть без опыта. Поэтому все дружно набираемся опыта, даже, если нам не очень нравится наша работа и парралельно ищем новую, если так уж хочется.

2. Не бойтесь перемен.

ЭТО СТРАШНО. Да, я понимаю. Но очень часто ловил и продолжаю ловить себя на мысли, что любые перемены - это к лучшему. Выкинуть старый хлам, избавиться от людей, которые тебе неприятны, начать заниматься тем, что тебе по-настоящему нравится, найти новую работу, если старая надоела и т.д

Не бойтесь эксперементировать с жизнью. Главное - не переборщить с переменами, а не то сам охренеешь!

3. Сон, правильное питание, хорошие друзья и спорт - незаменимые вещи.

Кто-то приходит в нашу жизнь, кто-то уходит, кто-то возвращается, кто-то остаётся навсегда. К сожалению, последний вариант очень редок и почти вымер, т.к помимо дружбы у людей появляются другие приоритеты, которые они считают более важными, нежели дружба. А у кого-то нет тех, других приоритетов, ради которых ты готов всё перечеркнуть, изменить навсегда.

Не забывайте высыпаться (и это пишет человек, работающий по ночам. О, Великая Ирония.). Нужно заниматься спортом. НУЖНО. Нет, я сказал НУЖНО. Хотя бы 3 раза в неделю по полчаса за раз. Питание.... О, да. Кто не любит валяться на диване время от времени и заталкивать в себя разный мусор, вроде чипсов, мороженого, пиццы, кебаба. Да практически любой человек. Ребята, не забываем о каше на воде, фруктах, овощах, мясо можно, вообще, не есть, в нём столько всякой гадости в наше время, что не знаешь, мясо ли это или переработаннй пластмассовый пакет с краской для волос.

Вообщем, в здором теле здоровый дух или как там...

4. Алкоголь не так вреден, как кажется.

Ну, были у нас в семье алкоголики. И что? Я-то не собираюсь им становиться. Хочется человеку иногда выпить красного вина. Но не вёдрами же я его хлещу. Да, бывает, голова болит по утрам, но для этого у меня всегда есть рассол в холодильнике, который помогает буквально сразу же. Так что, дорогие мои, бокал или два в день (желательно не каждый день) не делает из вас алкоголика.

5. Избавтесь от стереотипов и паранойи.

Как дальше жить? Главное - не забывайте смеяться над самим собой и другие поймут, что у Вас нет стереотипов и, скорее всего, что Вы псих.

6. Родственников не выбирают.

С этим нужно рано или поздно смириться. С ними необязательно общаться каждый день, но хотя бы раз в месяц можно задать этот банальный вопрос "Как дела?". Не то, чтобы вам интересно, но можно сделать вид...


7. Тебя будут осуждать, даже, если ты сделаешь якобы правильно.

Поэтому тупо делаем вид, что мы не понимаем, в чём дело, улыбаемся и машем, незаметно меняем тему разговора....


8. Счастье есть. И боль тоже где-то рядом. А так же розовые медведи!

Вам остаётся только провести грань между ними и сделать правильный выбор, когда будете стоять на перекрёстке. Ошибки делают все, но не все на них учаться.

9. Прошлое не изменить, настоящим нужно наслаждаться, о будущем нужно и можно мечтать.

Знаете сколько раз я существовал в прошлом? Бывало, это затягивалось на несколько лет. Я не хотел отпускать прошлое, потому что мне было в нём хорошо. А настоящее меня не радовало совсем, что уж и говорить о будущем. Сколько сил и энергии было потрачено на это. Как же я себя ненавидел после этого. Но, валерьянка, наконец-то, стала помогать и прошлое отпустило. К настоящему было сложно привыкать. Человек, вообще, такое создание, что большая часть нашего мозга не умеет адекватно воспринимать перемены. Где-то я вычитал, что человек привыкает к переменам за 3 недели. Попробуйте.


10. Идеальных отношений не существует, как не существует идеальных крокодилов.

 Ну нет их и всё. А те, кто говорят, что есть, то они просто нагло врут. Либо они слишком покладистые либо, наоборот, тираны в отношениях.

999. Просто будьте счастливы.

И проживите жизнь так, чтобы было потом, о чём вспомнить и над этим поржать в доме престарелых. Или в психушке. И главное, не воспринимайте жизнь всерьёз. Это сложно, но стоит попробывать. Не забывайте легенду о том, что человек привыкает ко всему за 3 недели!

С Новым Годом! 

P.S Если у Вас появились вопросы, просьба оставить вопросы в комментариях!

My comfort zone.

Every year I make New Year's resolutions that I am trying to keep up with for the rest of the year. However, 2015 was an exception. I didn't make any resolutions besides enjoying life and refresh my social life.

As a result I have met many new people this year, re-connected with a few old friends and grew apart with a few friends which is, of course, is a sad thing, but people change and there's nothing wrong with that. You just need to think of it as a good thing.

2015 wasn't a good year. Do I need to complain? No. I finally found a nice job that I actually like after years of searching. I am trying my best to be happy with who I am and really want to make people I am surrounded by happy and see them happy. In sense of that, 2015 was a great year. But emotionally and physically I feel tired. I am really glad 2015 is almost over.

I learned how to appreciate people the hard way. I learned how to compromise. But I have also learned that I don't need to keep up with shit and stand up for myself and speak up my mind. I came out of my comfort zone even though it was scary. I was scared. But as I look back I realize that I have grown up mentally and emotionally even more this year than during the last few years because I didn't make any promises and I tried to take care of my inner self instead of buying things and satisfying myself by proving other people wrong.

How many of you can say that they are truly happy? I am surely happy that 2015 is almost over therefore I feel great and full of hope that 2016 will be even better and brighter and I will develop my skills of communication and connect with people on any kinds of levels if it's necessary. And also learn more about what I want and what I feel and keep the insecurities away.

I was asked if I had a dream and I couldn't reply. I forgot what it's like to dream, so maybe we should all dream more in 2016 and make these dreams come true. What do you think?

Let's all try to expand our comfort zone and take a step into unknown, but not forget who we really are and what we want. Don't forget to spread love and happiness all around.

Happy New Year to all of you! x

Silent night.

 

If I said that Christmas doesn't mean anything to me, it would be a total lie and I don't like lying. People have been celebrating Christmas for centuries, but as time went by it has become more mainstream than a hipster in the most underground club in Helsinki. I was born in Russia and the meaning of celebrating Christmas there is slightly different - it's all about believing in God and going to church on the Christmas day. Christmas has become a really commercial event across the world and people have already forgot the true meaning of what Christmas actually once used to be.

I celebrated my first Christmas in Finland when I was 13 years old. We had a tree, food and presents. Back then, when I still believed in Jesus Christ, I wondered, why did I get presents if I didn't do anything superior this year? I'm used in getting presents on New Year's Eve, but that is because it's my birthday, so getting a present on a Christmas day surprised me. I have always enjoyed family dinners, there was just something special about them. We get together, have dinner, talk about how our year was and just laugh all about things.

Then it all changed. People started passing away, families growing apart - this is what it feels like to become an adult. When you're just a kid, you pretend you don't care about these things, you just want to eat and get presents and enjoy being a kid. Once you grow up, things change.

I stopped believing in Jesus Christ when I was 19 years old. Ever since Christmas hasn't really mattered to me. It has become this mainstream event when people spend money on useless presents to prove that they love their families by buying expensive things and trying to impress other family members with those material things.

I actually enjoy working on Christmas. It's not that busy and the salary is good, plus, you don't have to deal with Christmas.

I stopped buying presents years ago, because I just can't stand all the madness about presents, I don't want to waste energy on shopping and I don't want to prove people I love them by giving them expensive (or cheap) presents or money.

I don't want this to come out as cynical or patriotic, but I think that there are a few countries left in the world who still get the meaning of Christmas - spending time with your family (even if you don't enjoy it haha) and praise Jesus Christ for dying for our sins.

What am I going to do this Christmas? Eat, sleep, spend time with my family and friends. And I haven't bought a single gift. Because, once again, it's not about the gifts. It's not about the money. It's not about showing people yourself off.

There are people who spend Christmas alone, because they don't have anybody and I love spending time with these people because we can really appreciate the meaning of Christmas. Spend it with the loved ones.

Merry Christmas! x

O Come All Ye Faithful

Religion... That word has so much power. So much power that it can dominate people all around the world. Turn them into slaves. Fanatics. Crazy.

Personally, I have never believed in God. I have read the Bible and I have been to a ceremony in several churches, but it has not changed me in any way.

There was a point when my mother would let people into our apartment to talk about Jesus Christ, God and other religion related stories, but I never really paid attention to them, no matter how hard she tried to drag me in.

There was a time when I started to believe in miracles, I was 13. I wanted to believe that it was some kind of "Thank you" from the stars above for being a good person, but I gave up my belief in any kind of miracles when I was 19 - that was the time when my mother died. I used to have a cross on my chest, but I took it off and threw it into a garbage bin. I was disappointed.

This is when I started to believe that there's nothing out there, besides yourself and belief in who you are. Miracles can happen, but I mostly call it luck or destiny, but it has nothing to do with God. Karma might play a huge part in our lives as well. It's what you truly believe in.

 I have never really thought that some people might be obsessed with religion as it has never crossed my mind. Then I started meeting all these people, who were brainwashed by religious people and tried to brainwash other people as well to get them into their fan club. I used to be a fan of bands and I find it sickening now, because, after all, it has to be all about the music, not to make other people listen or like the bands that you like. It should be the same with religion, but some people are lost cases.

What makes it worse, is that quite a few of religious people pretend to be good Christians when the truth is that they are full of shit. You don't have to pretend to be a good person to be a religious person. I used to work on a cruise boat and there was this old lady who just couldn't leave me alone with her religion crap. She tried to drag me into her fan club. But I told her my honest opinion that there's no such thing as God for me. She would get upset and not talk to me for days. This is a truly religious person? A true religious person would not care. They have to forgive and forget, right?

As a conclusion I would like to point out that there might be something or someone out there. I don't believe in a Bible because there is no evidence about who, when and how it was written. I don't believe in Jesus Christ or God because I have never seen them. I have all the respect for religious people for as long as they don't pretend to be good people and won't try to drag me in into their fan club. Belief is one thing, being a fan is something else.

Bless you all.

Полина Гагарина - Спектакль....

 О музыкальных вкусах и предпочтениях можно спорить до бесконечности, но один факт остаётся неоспоримым: Полина Гагарина - это певица, именно Певица, с большой буквы П. Даже один из самых востребованных продюсеров России (Макс Фадеев) - в своё время сказал, что "Полина Гагарина - это голос от Бога". Полина с ним работать отказалась, но, к счастью для нас, карьера певицы на этом не закончилась.

 

За последние 10 лет Полина выпустила несколько альбомов и ещё кучу радиохитов, её голос невозможно с кем-то спутать. Он настолько мощен, что пробирает до косточек. Многие считают, что она "опопсела" и с её голосом есть возможности исполнять песни посерьёзнее, чем песни, написанные Константином Меладзе. Может, поэтому, она и написала свою последнюю песню сама. Второй альбом Полины остался почти незамеченным и коммерчески не настолько же успешным, как первый альбом, потому что во время работы над вторым альбомом у неё не было популярного продюсера и все песни были написаны самой Полиной.

Попасть на её концерт я мечтал давно, но, к сожалению, до начала сотрудничества с Константином Меладзе, спрос на Полину, скажем, был не велик.

Именно "Спектакль окончен" подтвердил статус Полины, как популярной певицы. На самом деле, у Полины много песен, автором которых стала она сама, но почему-то именно "Спектакль окончен", как говорится, "выстрелила" и является, пока что, её самым большим хитом. Оставалось лишь дождаться концерта в Санк-Петербурге или Таллине.

Концерт проходил в Ледовом дворце в Санкт-Петербурге. Каждый раз перед концертом русского поп-исполнителя у меня возникают 2 вопроса: будет ли фонограмма/будет ли звук хорошим. Обычно, если живой звук, то создаётся такое ощущение, что ты находишься не в Кремле и не в большом концертном зале, а в какой-то пивнушке, у которой нет денег, чтобы прикупить нормальную аппаратуру для проведения концертов, тем более, если артист хочет подарить зрителю незабываемые ощущения, эмоции и, да да, живой звук.

В Ледовом аппаратура, к счастью, не подвела. На протяжении почти 2 часов, Полина прекрасно показала себя вокально, в разных амплуа и на лице были неподдельные эмоции. "Ну что Питер, поехалиииииииии." Ни на одном концерте я не испытывал такую бурю эмоций. Мурашки у меня бегали от ушей до пяток. Бесподобное исполнение "Я тебя не прощу никогда", "Осколки", "Кукушка"...

Я могу признаться честно, что Полина всегда интересовала меня только, как певица. Фильмы, передачи, интервью с её участием мне просто неинтересны, потому что я воспринимаю её именно, как Певицу. У неё замечательные вокальные данные, которые она продемонстрировала 5 декабря в Ледовом дворце. Ей не нужно шоу, не нужен пафос, не нужно ничего - она девушка, которая поёт и мне этого было достаточно. За шоу, танцы, живой звук огромный плюс. Минус только за плохо настроенный звук, который был слишком громким - уши заложило.

Увидимся в Таллине 11 апреля?!

Haunted by the past.

Some say that the past defines who we really are. But then what is the point of creating the future if we already know who we are?

I think the past gives us options not to make the same mistakes again and do the right choices while we still have a chance. How do we know what is right and what is not? The answer is easy - follow your heart and trust your instincts. If you fuck up, then just get over it and try again. Because nothing comes for free. Only bills.

The past also provides us with experience which is good to use when you find yourself in the same kind of situations you did before. Some people are naive enough not to let experience guide you through the same choices all over again.

How many chances would you be able to give the same person before giving up? I used to think the answer was zero. If somebody stabs you in the back and you give them another chance, would they they do it again? I would think, yes, they would. Maybe it's a part of growing up, giving up your pride for somebody you truly care about and feeling strong enough to forgive them more than once. I don't know. All I know is that forgiveness is a necessary thing in our lives. Grudges eat you up. They destroy you. They take over and you become this cynical monster who feels numb all the time and doesn't let love to lead the way.

Many people have caused me pain in this life. First it was my father, then it was my mother, my sister, my friends, my boyfriends etc. I have hurt people, too. It took me 30 years to learn how to say "I am sorry" and to really mean it. You have to step on your pride, look that person into the eye and say it. It is the most amazing feeling in the world. It's their choice to forgive you or to not forgive. All you have to do is to apologize and really mean it. And also suffer the consequences if there are any.

You need to start from yourself. You have to forgive yourself first. For hurting other people and for letting over people hurt you. The hardest thing for me was to forgive my father. He was an abusive drinker. As a kid I would not understand why he did that and why would he hit someone he cared about. Now I understand that he was unhappy with his life. That's why he started drinking. He was abusive because his father used to hit him, too. It took me many years of processing this and finally I could just let it go. He's just a very unhappy lost human being and I can't be angry at him.

You always find it hard to forgive your ex-lovers, especially if they lied to you or cheated on you. If you want to, you can hold the grudge for the rest of your life. And you don't have to forgive anybody, but I highly recommend you do it just for your own good. I have made a lot of wrong choices with the people I have dated. They hurt me with their lies, deceiving, insecurity and sometimes even violence. I was very unhappy with myself, mostly, after the break ups. I used to think that there was something wrong with me. After all I have had 7 failed relationships. I have made wrong choices, the compatibility was just not there and when you're young, you can't see it. You think it's all your fault or the other person's fault. It's always somebody's fault, but usually it's both.

Leave the past in the past. Enjoy the present. And dream of the future. Forgive and forget.

JSB

PILOT.

Ever since I was a little boy I had two hobbies: dancing and writing. Dancing is something I still enjoy once in a while, but writing is something what helps to see the inner side of things, inner side of me, inner side of mostly anything.

I got the idea of this blog from the psychologist I've been seeing. She told me that there were many different kinds of therapies, but writing was something that helped a lot of people to come out of their safety area and express themselves in the way they have never expressed themselves before.

The very first question I asked myself was: am I a good writer? What do I want to achieve with my blog? What do I want to write about?

After giving it a few thoughts I've decided to just start writing. It came out naturally. In just a few nights I wrote 15 pages of text about different experiences and people I have met during this short period of time we all call life.

Of course, it wasn't an easy decision to make. To put myself on a pedestal just like that. But, in the end, I saw it as a chance to experience a different form of therapy, which is writing a story about my life.

What do I want to achieve? I want to inspire people. I want to make people realize that life is a really fragile thing and all the experiences just make you stronger. That we are strong individuals. We can be humble. But we are taught to survive. We are hungry for a better life. We tend to be sad or melancholic, even depressive, but we survive. We dust ourselves off and we try again. We try. We try. And we try. Until we get what we want and we get us where we want to be.

You might be thinking, but what about all these people who don't know what to do with their lives? What about the bullied ones? What about the weak ones? What about the ones who have lost everything? I hope that you are able to find the answers at least in one of my stories which is why I would like to share them with you, despise the fact how personal they are.

I hope you enjoy the journey of life with me.

Best regards,

JSB